Posts tagged freaky eaters

What’s wrong with corn starch? It’s in nearly everything that I love! Why do I always feel such a kinship with these creeps? (I wasn’t even molested! WHAT IS MY EXCUSE?) When are JJ Virgin and Mike Dow going to show up at my house? (I’ll probably be in the middle of covering everything I’m eating in poached eggs.)

Let’s meet Nikki, a 34-year-old corn starch enthusiast. “It’s soft,” she says. So is my dog, Monkey, and you don’t see me eating him. (Yet.) She doesn’t even eat corn starch in stuff, she just eats it raw. She eats up to 2 lbs of it a day. That’s [only] 3300 calories. She seems to do the majority of the corn starch eating in her car. That’s where we all do our weird eating. 

All this nonsense started when she was pregnant and had cravings. After she gave birth she got control of this “craziness.” Until tragedy struck and all that corn starch love came back. (Her youngest son died after having a seizure.) Now I feel bad. I can’t even blame this one on the ol’ molestation excuse. 

Nikki is obese. Her ass is the biggest thing I’ve ever seen. Her husband, Charles, thinks she’s only eating 3 boxes a week since they only eat one meal a day together and he doesn’t see it. Turns out she’s eating 14! You’re a dummy, Charles. (Where do you think that giant ass came from?)

SHE HIDES IT EVERYWHERE! Her purse! Under a spare tire! Behind things hanging on her walls! I love this secretive broad. (I sometimes hide Nutella in my backseat. Kindred spirits.)

JJ Virgin and Mike Dow are sure to ruin this party. 

Charles told her she has to get help or he’s leaving. “Corn starch is my best friend,” she says, as the dust from her best friend flies from her mouth. 

Just as Nikki is digging around under her spare tire to find some corn starch, JJ Virgin and Mike Dow startle her. They startle her so badly that corn starch flies from her mouth like a plume of smoke. Also, this is the point in the show where we realize she’s missing a good number of teeth. 

They go back into the house and make her find all of her hidden bags of corn starch. Then they talk about how much she poops. Once a week. Seems normal enough. 

She panics when they tell her she has to tell her husband just how much she’s been eating. I have a hard time feeling sorry for her because I’m so consumed by her pink eye shadow that I can’t focus on much else. 

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I’ve been putting off recapping this episode mostly because I hate seeing myself in these people the television deems “freaks.” What’s so bad about being addicted to cheesy potatoes? NOTHING! THEY ARE DELICIOUS. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. STOP TELLING ME THAT THERE IS.

Anyway, I’m obviously on this person’s side. I think cheesy potatoes should make up the entire food pyramid. Nothing else. (PS I know that the pyramid has been changed to a plate or a circle or something stupid, but call me Abby Lee Miller, I love a pyramid.)

I’m already craving the cheesy potato recipe I’ve been eating since I was a kid and I haven’t even started the episode yet. (Email me for the recipe. It will change your life.)

Moving on…Kelly loves cheesy potatoes because she’s a genius. She’s 34 and so what if she’s obese? She eats 8000 calories a day- all potatoes and cheese. That’s 8 potatoes and 4 cups of cheese. MARRY ME, KELLY. 

She also likes sitting in the car eating cheesy potatoes. It reminds me of the time I ate a pizza in the car. Three times. Or the time I ate Nutella in the car. 12 times. Or the time I bought a candy apple out of someone’s trunk and ate it in the car. That just happened once. 

(I am so lucky I’m not obese and diabetic. Just writing about this makes me realize this.)

I wonder if a potato molested Kelly.

When she was 4 she was forced to eat food that didn’t agree with her. Since that time she’s only eaten cheesy potatoes. 

“I don’t really eat in front of other people. I don’t really want people to know,” she says. On camera. On national TV. (Does she not see the camera? Is she confused? Am I confused?)

Kelly can’t stand the smell or look of most foods- especially vegetables. When her husband is cooking she sprawls out on the couch. He tries to force her to eat a green vegetable, but she gags and cries. She GAGS AND CRIES. 

She’s gained 150 lbs in 3 years. Get in line, fatty. 

My favorite part of the show is watching her lounge on her too-small couch. 

JJ Virgin and Mike Dow to the rescue! They’re sure to waste a ton of potatoes by throwing them on the ground later. They startle here while she’s eating potatoes in an alley. 

She cries again. Man up. You’re untouchable, bitch. 

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Let me start off by saying that I HATE raw meat. Most of the time I have the butcher cut it into whatever size I need it. For example: I have chicken it cut into small cubes when making fajitas. From time to time I’ll touch raw chicken IF I HAVE TO, but never beef. NEVER. So I’m really worried about this episode I’m about to watch. At least it won’t be like the episode with the man who was addicted to maple syrup. That just made me start putting syrup on more things than I ever knew possible.

Moving on…

29-year-old Daniel loves raw meat. “It goes down real smooth,” he says. I would guess Cyanide does too, but you don’t see us all drinking that. DO YOU DANIEL? 

The bad news [for me] seems to be that his meat of choice is beef. Damnit. 

Did a cow molest him? Or a filet at some backwoods steakhouse? WHO OR WHAT MOLESTED THIS CREEP? 

Other than his raw meat habit he seems to lead a pretty healthy life. He’s been obsessed with raw meat for six years. He eats it 4 times a week. NO BIG DEAL. It’s not like it’s everyday. 

Oh no! It’s chicken too. I HOPE THIS DOESN’T MAKE ME STOP EATING MEAT AGAIN. 

5000 people a year die from food borne illnesses. But that doesn’t stop Daniel from pulling on meats to see the muscles, then shoving it down his gullet. His brother says he’s eaten raw things since he was a kid. He seems to think it’s weird that he liked eating batter. WHAT SANE HUMAN BEING DOESN’T LIKE THE BATTER MORE THAN THE ACTUAL FINAL PRODUCT? If I could eat brownie and cookie batter for every meal [until I died from eating so many raw eggs] I would. SO LAY OFF, BROTHER. 

Daniel grew up in a strict military household and rebelled by getting a liberal arts degree. Oh, and eating raw meat. 

Once he left the strict confines of his parents house he started wearing more tank tops and experimenting with new meats of the world. “It was just a relaxing moment. One of those quiet things where you do it on you’re own and you’re like, ‘wow, this is nice.’,” he says. Yeah, it’s exactly one of those things. 

SERIOUSLY, WHO MOLESTED HIM?

Daniel is a writer. Oh great. Way to give us all a bad name.

Daniel gets all crazy-eyed when he talks about how much he loves a bargain. OK, that seems like a wise move. Combine eating raw meat with eating the worst possible quality of meat and you’re just asking for trouble. Daniel seems to thrive on this “rebellion.” He was totally molested. CUT TO THE CHASE, DISCOVERY FIT AND HEALTH, AND TELL ME WHO DID IT. 

JJ Virgin and Dr. Mike Dow saunter down the street to intervene. They’re always so dramatic. They surprise him at the gym. Daniel’s brother is there to fill them in on the meat eating. Shouldn’t they have been prepared before showtime? No? OK. 

Daniel is pumping some iron when JJ Virgin and Dr. Mike Dow appear out of nowhere. Daniel is none too pleased to see them. He doesn’t think he needs help. WE NEVER THINK WE NEED HELP. He says they’re talking down to him, but he agrees to go see someone who will show him the dangers of eating raw meat. I am going to fast forward through this segment because my doctor says I have to eat more protein and if I see this I won’t ever eat meat again. (And this is all about me.)

After that horrible [and unnecessary] segment Daniel is still refusing to acknowledge the risks. “HAVEN’T DIED YET,” he gloats. Wow, congratulations on defying natural selection.

Dr. Mike Dow takes Daniel into a room to talk privately about his background. He bores me to death with more military talk. Daniel is a whiny little bastard because he wasn’t validated by his dad. Oh, grow up, fagatron. Daddy didn’t like your art so you started eating raw meat? I hate you. And I hate salmonella for not getting you yet. 

JJ Virgin gives him his medical results. He has a parasite. I’d like a tape worm or something. I’d be able to eat more raw doughs and batters and not gain weight. Then she tells him something gross about meat building up and that he’s just going to gain fat if he continues this. “I want to be a God on Earth,” he tells her. HE ACTUALLY SAYS THAT OUT LOUD.

OK, I’M REALLY STARTING TO GET ANGRY HERE SINCE NO ONE WILL TELL ME WHO MOLESTED THIS MAN!

Anyway, back to god on Earth. That’s what he wants to be. Good luck, she tells him, Gods of the Earth don’t get that way by consuming flank steak with their teeth right out of the package. 

Once his meat consumption is tied to his god-on-earth status he realizes he needs to stop. So he’s a creep AND a narcissist? GREAT NEWS! 

Daniel agrees to start cooking his food. His mind is set on eating healthier and working out to get the adrenaline rush he used to get by eating raw meat. By day 4 he’s so sexually turned on by himself and his new body that he’s not even thinking about raw beef. But bad news strikes when he goes to volunteer at a soup kitchen. While it helps him feel better about himself, it doesn’t help his meat cravings. His mouth waters looking at a cheap slab of meat on his plate. He forces himself to cook half the steak. It does nothing for him. It’s tough and gross. He’s tempted to go eat the other raw half, but oddly enough, the bastard has willpower. (I kind of hate when these creeps succeed at not being AS creepy as they were when I met them.)

Daniel and his brother go play paintball. We are forced to watch it. It’s saying a lot when I tell you that I’d rather watch him eat raw meat than watch him play paintball. Then they have a cooked meal together. It’s real moving. 

(So…no one is going to tell me who molested this person?)

I’m not sure why the television doesn’t air this show more often (Read: nightly) because they (the Freaky Eaters) are my favorite of all creeps on the television. Well, these weirdos and the ones on MY STRANGE ADDICTION tie for first. I’m a little nervous about this episode because I’ve been known to drink 6 or 7 Diet Cokes in a day. (That number jumps exponentially higher when I go out to dinner.) I love it. I don’t care that it’s poison. I don’t smoke or do drugs. LAY OFF MY ADDICTION. 

Moving on. One of my favorite parts of this show is the warning beforehand that states that you shouldn’t take this show as medical advice. Um, if you are dumb enough to take this show as medical advice then you should probably do so. Earth won’t miss you. Natural selection and all.

20-year-old Amy drinks 30 sodas a day. That’s over 10,000 cans a year. They have the kind of soda blurred out, but it’s fairly obvious that it’s Coke. Henceforth, I will refer to the drink as Coke. (I am from the South and EVERY drink is referred to as coke. It was painful writing soda earlier.)

Apparently after surgery all she wanted was a Coke. Um, why is that weird? It’s the first thing I wanted a few months ago when I had surgery. OH MY GOD, AM I A FREAKY EATER? (I went through a real heavy maple syrup phase after that episode about the guy who put maple syrup on everything. He was right. IT WAS A DELICIOUS ADDITION TO NEARLY ALL FOODS.)

I wonder if she was molested by Coke? 

The most she had in a day was 50 cans. How does she sleep with all the urinating she must do? Does she pee coke? Even I think 50 is a little excessive. I SAID A LITTLE. 

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