Drew Petterson: Untouchable; Or: I’M UNTOUCHABLE, BITCH

I’ve been looking forward to this Lifetime movie since about the time that Drew Peterson started murdering all his wives. Then once I saw the trailer for it I knew that I’d have a new favorite Made For TV Movie™. I don’t really enjoy recapping things that are 2 hours long, but once I started it I knew I had a lot to say about it. Rob Lowe is awesome. I love his big gray mustache. The movie starts with some dumb interview that I don’t really care about. Start killing all your wives, please. This is apparently an interview after some of the wives had been murdered.

Cut to the past. Drew is banging his wife. It’s real sexy, especially with that big grey mustache. Their son, Justin, catches them. IT IS TOTALLY CREEPY because Drew says, “you were gettin’ too much lovin’ from big daddy.” HE SAYS THAT OUTLOUD AND THEN HE GETS UP NUDE FOR HIS SON TO SEE AND THEN SAYS “HE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW WHY THEY CALL ME BIG DADDY” AND I CAN’T STOP WRITING IN ALL CAPS WITH NO GRAMMAR. I don’t know what to do! I am both creeped out and so excited that this movie was made!

After that creep-fest, Drew and his partner (he’s a Bollingbrook, IL cop) are out on a call. They go to a hotel because some crazy drunk man is running around with scissors. I AM READY FOR DREW PETERSON TO KILL SOMEONE NOW.

Anyway, at the hotel he meets some slutty desk clerk Stacy (played by Kaley Cuoco from that dreadful BIG BANG THEORY. [PS If you watch that please don’t talk to me.]) Drew and Stacy do some really uncomfortable flirting. Then Drew makes a really sexy arrest in front of her. Luckily she’s leaving her shift just as this is happening so she gets to blow him a kiss as her friend who picked her up drives by. Another sexy scene! SEXY!

The next day Drew and his current (undead) wife, Kathleen, head out to a party at the police station. They obviously hate each other. He makes really hilarious jokes about her period and stuff. HEY KATHLEEN, LET HIM MAKE THOSE JOKES. HE’S GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T.

The party looks terrible… just a bunch of drunk cops and wives and a few sluts. Kathleen gets drunk and won’t bang Drew in a jail cell so he locks her in it. Seems about right.

This is the best movie I’ve ever seen- on TV or in theaters.

Sometime later in the week a nice big Harley pulls up to the motel where Stacy works. GUESS WHO IS ON IT? DREW PETERSON! He revs up that hog to impress her. AND IT WORKS!