Posts tagged normal
Watching EVERYTHING on the Television. So You Don't Have To.
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Freaky Eaters: Addicted to Corn Starch; Or: The One With More Delicious Addictions
What’s wrong with corn starch? It’s in nearly everything that I love! Why do I always feel such a kinship with these creeps? (I wasn’t even molested! WHAT IS MY EXCUSE?) When are JJ Virgin and Mike Dow going to show up at my house? (I’ll probably be in the middle of covering everything I’m eating in poached eggs.)
Let’s meet Nikki, a 34-year-old corn starch enthusiast. “It’s soft,” she says. So is my dog, Monkey, and you don’t see me eating him. (Yet.) She doesn’t even eat corn starch in stuff, she just eats it raw. She eats up to 2 lbs of it a day. That’s [only] 3300 calories. She seems to do the majority of the corn starch eating in her car. That’s where we all do our weird eating.
All this nonsense started when she was pregnant and had cravings. After she gave birth she got control of this “craziness.” Until tragedy struck and all that corn starch love came back. (Her youngest son died after having a seizure.) Now I feel bad. I can’t even blame this one on the ol’ molestation excuse.
Nikki is obese. Her ass is the biggest thing I’ve ever seen. Her husband, Charles, thinks she’s only eating 3 boxes a week since they only eat one meal a day together and he doesn’t see it. Turns out she’s eating 14! You’re a dummy, Charles. (Where do you think that giant ass came from?)
SHE HIDES IT EVERYWHERE! Her purse! Under a spare tire! Behind things hanging on her walls! I love this secretive broad. (I sometimes hide Nutella in my backseat. Kindred spirits.)
JJ Virgin and Mike Dow are sure to ruin this party.
Charles told her she has to get help or he’s leaving. “Corn starch is my best friend,” she says, as the dust from her best friend flies from her mouth.
Just as Nikki is digging around under her spare tire to find some corn starch, JJ Virgin and Mike Dow startle her. They startle her so badly that corn starch flies from her mouth like a plume of smoke. Also, this is the point in the show where we realize she’s missing a good number of teeth.
They go back into the house and make her find all of her hidden bags of corn starch. Then they talk about how much she poops. Once a week. Seems normal enough.
She panics when they tell her she has to tell her husband just how much she’s been eating. I have a hard time feeling sorry for her because I’m so consumed by her pink eye shadow that I can’t focus on much else.
