Posts tagged oprah

I HATE JADA PINKETT SMITH SO MUCH THAT I’M ENRAGED JUST WRITING THIS. (She’s so awful that she almost makes her husband acceptable. ALMOST.)

I wouldn’t mind if she caught on fire on this stage.

The end.

Rob Lowe is so pretty slash handsome slash hot that I don’t even know what to do with myself.

In other news, Oprah has a new bob.*

*never thought I’d say that sentence

Oprah Presents OWN’s Master Class: Oprah Winfrey

What?
This is like putting yourself on the cover of the magazine you own. EVERY MONTH. She does this also. 

That said, I’ll probably cry watching this episode. I LOVE THIS SHOW. The Diane Sawyer one changed my life and made me write down “wake up curious” and then try to do so. Honestly, I’ve only been waking up curious every few days. I’m really tired and it’s hard to be curious. I skipped the Maya Angelou one. I couldn’t care less why the caged bird sings. (I think she’s a bit of a hack.)

Oprah talks some about her childhood. There’s a lot of footage of black people doing laundry set to terrible music. Turns out Mississippi at the time was the most racist state in the country. Sorry, Alabama. You weren’t the best at bigotry. Good luck next time. (Seriously, try harder.) You couldn’t go out after dark if you were black in Mississippi. (Note: sometimes now at night, if there aren’t street lights, I want to scold the black people in all black clothes who are walking dangerously close to the road on which I’m driving. I have a bit of the ol’ night blindness so it’s a bad combination, but I think she’s talking about their not being allowed out after dark on a different level. I’m not sure though.)

There are shots of klansmen and beatings. If I were a cop I would DEFINITELY use that club to beat up people of all races. I WOULD NOT DISCRIMINATE. I’d also want to be the one who got to use that big tube-shaped thing to break doors down. I’d never be a cop.

What I mean is, I’d never be allowed to be a cop.

Oprah has an enormous rack. It’s distracting to say the least. 

All jokes aside, it is astonishing what she’s become, coming from where she came from. Congratulations, Oprah. I’m officially proud of you.

They had no running water or electricity?!?! I would have killed myself. If the power’s out for more than 20 minutes I start plotting my own death. (Head in the oven.)

Oprah’s grandmother’s dream for her was that she would become a maid to “good white folks.” Really reaching for the stars, Oprah’s grandmother. She showed you [WITH HER BILLIONS OF DOLLARS]!

More terrible Southern music and shots of people looking sweaty. Thank god air conditioning was invented. I wouldn’t have made it.

Her childhood makes me sad. Especially when she was forced to move away from her grandmother and back in with her mother in Wisconsin. Her mom’s bitch of a boss made her sleep on the porch. She was raped and molested. Then pregnant. It’s like she’s a character on Degrassi. 

(Seriously, how did she survive all this?!)

Her mother then sent her to live with her father when she was pregnant. Her mom is the worst. She should never have forgiven that monster.

Her dad told her he’d rather see her dead than pregnant. (He didn’t notice she was pregnant.) HOW IS THIS ALL TRUE?!?! Her baby didn’t survive. (Obviously.) She says she felt no connection with the baby growing inside her and THAT is why she understands her mother. Because her mother felt the same way about her.

I AM SO SAD ABOUT ALL OF THIS. I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU. EXCEPT FOR YOU NOW BECAUSE YOU HAVE 1 BILLION DOLLARS PLUS SOME MORE MILLIONS ABOVE THAT. 

She entered the MISS FIRE PREVENTION contest. So that’s awesome. That it exists. 

Then I got tired of watching the episode and put on the episode of FRIENDS where Ross gets too tan. 

Summery: I think she’s a bit of a pompous ass, but sweet christ if she’s not inspirational. 

Is Rosanna Arquette wearing Invisalign?

“So…last year I sat down with a bunch of molesters.” -Harpo Winfrey, February 8, 2011

1. My gut instinct about Forest Whitaker was correct. He IS creepy. Also, I don’t appreciate the wardrobe people on Criminal Minds: This Spinoff Sucks dressing him like a pimp. Just because he’s black doesn’t mean he’s a pimp. (He could just as easily be a drug dealer.)

2. If they kill Emily Prentiss off on Criminal Minds (it’s been a real dark week, filled with CM) I’ll probably kill myself off. Have you guys seen her? She’s so tough and smart and awesome. I wouldn’t have to sleep with a sword next to my bed if she and her gun moved in.

3. Oprah could have easily been killed by that rage-filled monster 10 year old on today’s episode. (Yeah, I’m watching Oprah. Daily. SCREW YOU!) I think his parents should have given him back/accidentally lost him/left him in Russia. There were a multitude of options. Going on Oprah wasn’t one of them. Now he’ll be much more difficult to dispose of.

4. 30 Rock has been funny-ish to funny for the last 3 weeks. I am not getting my hopes up with this one. It could be a fluke. But it could also mean a comeback to greatness.

5. The League was renewed for season 3 and ALL IS RIGHT IN THE UNIVERSE. 

6. The Chicago Code is so good that it makes me want to cry. So I do cry. A lot. You guys need to stop being morons, turn off the Charlie Sheen and Bachelor, and turn on The Chicago Code. It is television at it’s very finest.

7. Lisa VanderPump, this one’s for you. I love you, now and forever.

8. Dr Oz is FILLED with gems of wisdom. Right, so I started watching that when I went to visit my mom this weekend. I learned so much. I need to start drinking tart cherry juice, investigating my poop (this will not be happening). I also am 100% sure that I have alzheimers, lung cancer and will have an autistic child. (1 in 70 boys are autistic, you guys. ONE IN SEVENTY.) 

9. I’ve learned that I no longer want children. See number 8. Also, see that kid (#3) who tried to kill his mom and was within stabbing distance to Oprah today. No thank you.

10. Oprah brings so much joy to people’s lives when she shouts and throws gifts at them.  [SCREAM AT ME AND THROW THINGS AT ME, HARPS.]

11. I am not looking forward to the Real Housewives of Miami. If I wanted to watch latino/as doing stuff I’d go downstairs and watch my maid fold my laundry. 

Thank God that rage kid didn’t kill Oprah while she interviewed him for today’s episode.

I am learning a lot about happiness from Goldie Hawn on Oprah right this second (on TiVo).

(WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?)

PS I LOVE Goldie Hawn. I think she’s a national treasure. I DO NOT like that she gave us Kate Hudson.

PPS I think Goldie Hawn might be changing my life right now.

Can you imagine finding out that Oprah is your half sister? (I can. [Because I’ve been dreaming of that scenario for the past 25 years.])

I love OWN. There, I said it. I’ve always been against Oprah but had been willing to turn for her if ever I were to write a book and needed her. (I’d need that seal of approval.) But then, 25 years after the Birth of Oprah® I discovered that she IS AMAZING. Since Saturday my television has been almost primarily on OWN, save for the couple of 12 hours on Sunday that I spent watching Without a Trace on Ion [Positively Entertaining].

Here’s what I love about OWN:

1. Oprah’s fat again. It makes me feel better about eating a grilled cheese in front of the television when the person on the television who runs the television network is fat. 

2. She put Diane Sawyer on for an hour to talk about herself. If it was someone like Katie Couric I would have set the television on fire but Diane Sawyer is a delight to watch. She’s a smart lady who has led an interesting life and she looks hot in glasses. 

3. She has a show on the making of every episode of her final season of her regular show. We get to see her making smoothies. (Spoiler alert: she puts the lid on wrong and it gets all over her shirt.)

4. She gave this lady named Laura Berman (who, I’ve been told by someone I think very highly of, is quite the institution in Chicago) her own show. She makes prudes do things they wouldn’t do in the dark do it on national television. Oh, and she really changes lives. 

5. At least 3 times a day you can turn on the television and have Dr. Phil scream at you for 44 minutes (all the while being able to order a monthly supply of clean catheters during his commercial breaks.)

6. I don’t care about all the bad things I’ve read about her and her mistreatment of underlings. (My favorite story is the one where if she falls asleep on her plane, no matter how short the trip, the crew must sit on the plane and let her sleep for 8 hours OR ELSE.) She’s a national treasure.