Posts tagged potatoes

I’ve been putting off recapping this episode mostly because I hate seeing myself in these people the television deems “freaks.” What’s so bad about being addicted to cheesy potatoes? NOTHING! THEY ARE DELICIOUS. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. STOP TELLING ME THAT THERE IS.

Anyway, I’m obviously on this person’s side. I think cheesy potatoes should make up the entire food pyramid. Nothing else. (PS I know that the pyramid has been changed to a plate or a circle or something stupid, but call me Abby Lee Miller, I love a pyramid.)

I’m already craving the cheesy potato recipe I’ve been eating since I was a kid and I haven’t even started the episode yet. (Email me for the recipe. It will change your life.)

Moving on…Kelly loves cheesy potatoes because she’s a genius. She’s 34 and so what if she’s obese? She eats 8000 calories a day- all potatoes and cheese. That’s 8 potatoes and 4 cups of cheese. MARRY ME, KELLY. 

She also likes sitting in the car eating cheesy potatoes. It reminds me of the time I ate a pizza in the car. Three times. Or the time I ate Nutella in the car. 12 times. Or the time I bought a candy apple out of someone’s trunk and ate it in the car. That just happened once. 

(I am so lucky I’m not obese and diabetic. Just writing about this makes me realize this.)

I wonder if a potato molested Kelly.

When she was 4 she was forced to eat food that didn’t agree with her. Since that time she’s only eaten cheesy potatoes. 

“I don’t really eat in front of other people. I don’t really want people to know,” she says. On camera. On national TV. (Does she not see the camera? Is she confused? Am I confused?)

Kelly can’t stand the smell or look of most foods- especially vegetables. When her husband is cooking she sprawls out on the couch. He tries to force her to eat a green vegetable, but she gags and cries. She GAGS AND CRIES. 

She’s gained 150 lbs in 3 years. Get in line, fatty. 

My favorite part of the show is watching her lounge on her too-small couch. 

JJ Virgin and Mike Dow to the rescue! They’re sure to waste a ton of potatoes by throwing them on the ground later. They startle here while she’s eating potatoes in an alley. 

She cries again. Man up. You’re untouchable, bitch. 

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