Posts tagged rhobh

I’m kind of glad the finale is finally here. It’s been a bunk season of RHoBH and I really hate watching it. 

 Lisa VANDERPUMP is preparing for Pandora’s “intimate” wedding. By intimate they mean huge. The tent is bigger than most houses. VANDERPUMP is concerned about the flowers because it’s so hot out. Ugh, I’m so bored. 

Oh joy! Adrienne and Paul. Paul is having his millionth colonoscopy, but he still asks questions like he’s never had one and like he’s not a doctor. Paul asks Adrienne to help him give himself an enema. I am sick. Luckily she’s a bitch and won’t do it. And why are we seeing him getting a colonoscopy? Was there NOTHING ELSE to show? NOTHING? No footage of Russell hitting Taylor? No footage of someone sleeping? This is pointless. Ugh, I’m so bored.

Back at the VANDERPUMP manse they’re [still] excitedly getting ready for the wedding. I DIDN’T SIGN ON TO THIS SHOW TO WATCH PANDORA. I am so bored watching this. VANDERPUMP wears a wife beater while watching someone wheel in a $9500 wedding cake. It comes in in stages. Ken carries in a part of it, much to VANDERPUMP’S dismay.

Kyle makes Mauricio and Portia help her decide what to wear to the big wedding. Mauricio doesn’t really care. Kyle shows him some of her typical ugly dresses. She’s so pretty, but she wears the tackiest clothes. If I see her in a strappy-sided dress one more time I will kill someone. And how does Mauricio not have black tie? Everyone has black tie! Except hillbillies. This is obviously staged. There is no way he doesn’t his own tuxedo.

Franc is nowhere to be found. VANDERPUMP is pissed. She shouldn’t have hired that creepy asian-ish fagatron in the first place. 

Camille and her hired friend, Elizabeth, are picking out a dress for the wedding too. No way did any of these people pick dresses the day of the event. I don’t even do that and I wear pajamas most of the time. So I certainly wouldn’t do it if I was forced to wear gowns. 

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There are very few things I hate more than an extended episode of a show. You’d think that I’d be into something like that. Frankly it just screws up programming for the rest of the night and makes it nearly impossible to record everything I want. And don’t get me started on how much it affects later syndication. 

Anyway, this dreck was 75 minutes last night. Instead of taking an after work nap I’m doing the world a good deed and recapping this. (You’re welcome.)

The show starts out at Kyle’s house. She’s always in her bathroom. Kyle, Farrah and Portia are all hanging out getting ready for some party. (Well, Portia isn’t because she’s a child.) Kyle tells Farrah (who is Farrah? I missed some episodes. Am I supposed to know her?) that Taylor left Russell. Then they talk about all the beatings and stuff. Quickly moving on to more important subjects, Kyle announces that she has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from her latest fight with Kim. She should totally tell that to servicemen returning home from Iraq and Afghanistan. 

LISA VANDERPUMP is bossing around people who are setting up Sur for a party. Apparently no one planned at all in advance. It’s two hours until the doors open and nothing has been done. (What, is Lisa Vanderpump related to Michael Ballard of Full Throttle Saloon?)

VANDERPUMP ditches Ken at the restaurant. He kind of sexually assaults her as she tries to go home to get dressed. 

Elsewhere in Beverly Hills, Kim is at Maison 140 with Thierry, the make-up artist, and her creepy boyfriend Ken. Ken and Kim decided to get a hotel the night of the party so they could mix more meth and alcohol and have less of a drive home. Kim has so much crap just for one night away from home. Then she pulls out a vibrator that she tries to use as lipstick. That’s all I have to say on this subject.

Kim forces Ken to wait on her hand and foot. Luckily he’ll beat the hell out of her later so it all evens out. 

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I’m really not in the mood for this show. I’m kind of sick of it. Every week is the same. They fight at a party. 

The show opens with Kim introducing Kyle to her creepy boyfriend of one year. “Be a big girl,” Kim tells Kyle while leading her into this den of creep.

They discuss Kim’s big move. Kyle also notices that Ken is wearing a wedding band. This is the most awkward meeting I’ve ever been a part of. Kyle leaves to go cry. Kim and Ken do some hugging. Apparently Kim’s kids have told Kyle that Ken is controlling. Oh, we have another Russell on our hands? GREAT NEWS! Kyle claims she wants to be wrong about Ken, but I have a feeling she really hopes to be right. 

I’m really uncomfortable after that whole thing. 

Back in Beverly Hills, Adrienne and Paul pretend like they aren’t cash poor and wolf some food at Crustacean. “I’m more of a vegetarian,” Adrienne says. Does she know she’s at a seafood restaurant? Then they fight about what Adrienne is going to order. Paul wants to order for her since it’s his birthday. They continue to fight. They should just get divorced and split all the gold between them.

At dinner they discuss their concerns about Bones Magoo and the beatings Russell gives her. 

OK, I’ve had enough with Paul’s birthday dinner. Did nothing else happen this whole week? 

Kyle and Mauricio talk and giggle about rich people things. And also about Kim. Kyle fills him in on the whole Ken debacle. 

Taylor time! She’s been nominated for a Women Making a Difference award. (What kind of difference is she making?) Russell shows up and doesn’t even punch her. Adrienne, Camille and [my new favorite] Dana all show up to support Bones. Kyle arrives late and can’t find anyone so she asks VANDERPUMP where everyone is. VANDERPUMP has no idea what Kyle is talking about. What a bitch that stupid Bones Magoo is for not inviting VANDERPUMP. Kyle keeps telling everyone that she just made a mistake and told VANDERPUMP about the festivities she wasn’t invited to attend. WHY DOES ANYONE THINK VANDERPUMP WOULD CARE? If I were her I’d be more upset if I had been invited. 

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I hope someone else has a circus animal at a party tonight. That was really classy and great last week.

Kyle wanders into “Paul’s Night of Beauty.” I don’t want to know what that is either, but they tell me anyway. Paul has a night where he pumps the ladies of Los Angeles with poisons and stuff to make them look younger. (Spoiler alert: it doesn’t take.)

Kyle isn’t having any Botulism injected into her face, but she does have a treatment done on her love handles. She also thinks she’s the first person to ever call that fat area “love handles.” (She isn’t.)

Paul tells us a disgusting story about fat and what he’s doing to Kyle. I don’t need to know this. I’m sick. In other news, what’s up with Paul’s facial hair? I hate it. 

I feel like this muffin top laser therapy is fake, but I’m no doctor.

VANDERPUMP comes in looking for Kyle but accidentally finds Bones Magoo. They giggle and talk like they don’t hate each other. Then VANDERPUMP tells her to eat. “I have a genetically thin face,” Bones tells us. But what about those sharp bones that puncture fabric? Is that also genetic? 

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I wonder what’s going to happen on tonight’s episode of Kim’s House of Meth. I hope Dana buys something hideous and tells us all about it. 

VANDERPUMP arrives at the golden palace of Adrienne’s to teach Adrienne to cook. She can’t cook but she has three refrigerators, so that’s cool. She doesn’t even know where the cutting board is. She finally finds it and it’s not even made of gold. 

I’m totally judging Adrienne for using crappy chicken. You have a billion dollars. Go to Gelson’s. 

Adrienne proceeds to wash the chicken with soap. VANDERPUMP is appalled. I think I might have done that before I became Sue Homemaker. (Not to brag but I’m now an excellent chef AND baker [AND SOON TO BE WIFE].)

I actually don’t know why Adrienne is trying to learn to cook this chicken. She has a chef. What’s the point of this nonsense? Luckily VANDERPUMP is a wizard and she made a delicious chicken.

Elsewhere in Beverly Hills, ol’ Bones Magoo has Kyle and Dana’s children over to play around her manse. Also, they’re there to gossip. Kyle is still harping on the whole meth ordeal. “Where do you come up with that?” she asks them regarding Brandi with an I mentioning meth. Um, she came up with it because Brandi looks like she’s been around meth before. She probably saw a lot of it in her childhood trailer park. Also, Kim is a big meth monster so of course Brandi with an I was going to go there.

Bones Magoo tries to defend Brandi with an I by telling her she’s going through a lot. WHY ARE ALL THESE BROADS ALWAYS “GOING THROUGH A LOT”?!? 

Back with VANDERPUMP, she goes over to some creepy man’s house. His name is Mohamed and he appears to have the same taste (and interior decorator) as Adrienne. Attention new money: just because it’s made of gold doesn’t mean it’s classy. HOW ARE YOU NOT GETTING THIS?

Mohamed has a lovely barely legal girlfriend. It’s not at all creepy. She looks like a zombie. I’d sedate myself to sleep with his tan leather body too. 

His house is a mess. Aside from all the gold it also looks like an opium den. There is also a secret room of crap and sex. 

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God, I love Mondays. My love of this show is making me contemplate watching the Atlanta broads. In the past I’ve had real trouble getting involved with Atlanta and New Jersey, but I might attempt Atlanta this season. (Wow, what an interesting story, me.)

The episode resumes where last week’s left off: with Kim and Kyle fighting with Brandi With an I™. Kyle brings up the fact that Brandi With an I™ let her son strip down and pee in a stranger’s yard a few weeks ago. Kyle is still appalled by this. She even gets Camille on board when she asks her if she (Camille) would have scolded her son if he stripped nude and peed in someone’s yard. Camille says she would. Camille’s all class, gang. Then Brandi With an I™ brings it back to Kim being a big ol’ drug addict. It’s gone a little too far. Brandi With an I™ is crying. Kyle keeps saying fuck. I’M REALLY HATING THAT I CAME TO THIS PARTY TONIGHT. 

“She’s not a bitch,” Kim says of Kyle. Uh, you must really be on drugs. She is a bitch. That said, I don’t like this hobo Brandi With an I™ so I don’t really care that Kyle is really taking her for a beating. 

Then Brandi With an I™ references Kim’s love of delicious crystal meth and all hell really breaks loose. Bones Magoo panics and covers her hand with her mouth, Kyle puts her finger in Brandi With an I™’s face. Then Kim does the same thing and they start pushing each other. Bones Magoo steps in and breaks it up. “You’re a slut and a pig,” Kim says to Brandi With an I™. Well, I guess that’s true, but it doesn’t make you less of a drug addict. 

Brandi With an I™ decides to leave. But she doesn’t. She can’t find her crutches so she can’t get up. She whines to Dana about how they treated her, but Dana’s head is so far up Kyle’s ass that she can’t hear her. Camille consoles Kim. I’m not entirely sure why. 
Dana proceeds to look for the crutches. Kim still thinks she’s hilarious for hiding them. They’re finally found behind the chair. 

Kyle and Camille talk about Brandi With an I™ behind her back. THIS IS AN UNSETTLING TURN OF EVENTS. 

“I never want to see these people ever, ever, ever, ever again,” Brandi With an I™ says. Uh, I’m sure. BUT THEN HOW WILL YOU BE FAMOUS AND ON THE TELEVISION?

As the broads are leaving Dana announces again that she’d like to go on vacation with all of them. Um, please cool it. You’re embarrassing me and I’m not even you. No one likes you, you desperate wench. Then they decide not to leave, but to gossip more about Brandi With an I™. Bones Magoo tells Camille that she doesn’t like that Brandi With an I™ calls herself a slut. Uh, she calls ‘em like she sees ‘em. (Isn’t that a saying?) 

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS is pretty much all I have left now that Teen Mom and Dance Moms have left me. I hope Kim’s meth lab explodes this week.

I love episodes that start with VANDERPUMP. It really starts things off with a real classy bang. She and Ken are standing around the kitchen pretending to cook. She actually might be cooking. I don’t understand. I saw her try to make pancakes in Beaver Creek and she couldn’t crack eggs. I’d love to eat some of her potato salad (that came out more sexual than I meant it) and I don’t even like potato salad. She and Ken are preparing to host their kids at dinner the following night. Max, their son, said “I love you” to a girl on the phone and she’s a mess about it. I think it’s sweet how motherly and great she is. SHE’S A SAINT.

Elsewhere in Beverly Hills, ol’ Bones Magoo invites $25,000-Sunglasses-Dana to make cookies [and then throw them up]. They gossip about the bbq. Also, Dana announces she has a microwave but doesn’t know what it does. It’s like someone shot her in the head and she’s still alive. Why does Bones Magoo always bring up her marriage? She was planning a game night, but because her husband beats the shit out of her things are “heavy” in her life she asks Dana to please host it. Dana agrees, but she’s decided to have some of her vendors (she’s an event planner) help out. Uh, it’s game night. You make some guacamole and open Scattergories. Looks like I could be an event planner.

Adrienne and Kyle go to lunch drinks at what appears to be the only place in Beverly Hills. That place that looks like an attic filled with wine. They gossip about Brandi-With-An-I. They think she’s as gross as I do. CAN YOU BELIEVE HER HILLBILLY SON PEED IN THE GRASS? Then they move on to talking about the Sacramento trip Adrienne took with Kim. She fills her in on the whole “my electricity went out. I love planes” debacle. Adrienne says Paul thought she sounded wasted. Kyle says she was probably tired, but doesn’t really defend her. Just say it, Kyle, she has a drug addiction mixed with a little mental retardation.

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I hate when the episodes start with Taylor. She’s an uglier crier than Farrah Abraham. She and Kyle go to some big-titted broad’s house. Her name is Dana and she’s obviously friends with Taylor. When they get there she’s looking at the ugliest jewelry I’ve ever seen in my life. She apologizes, but makes them wait so she can continue looking at hideous jewelry. I love watching rich people getting ripped off. Just because it’s $40,000 doesn’t mean it’s classy. 

After she finishing buying some gold she changes out of her stripper dress and sits down to chat with Taylor and Kyle. She’s telling them she taught her 18-month old to read. He also speaks Thai and does pilates. I’m sure she’s not lying. It’s like that time Alex and Simon said Francois was a genius and he couldn’t even do a puzzle when he was “trying out” for private schools. 

I don’t really know why they are at this woman’s house. She says she wants to go shopping with Kyle. Get in line, bitch. 

VANDERPUMP is at Villa Blanca sampling wines with the general manager. In walks talent manager and friend, Bette. She manages Kyle and Kim. So that means she manages Kyle. Bette tells VANDERPUMP that CNN is looking for a royal correspondent to cover the royal wedding. VANDERPUMP IS PERFECT! She agrees to do it. I WISH I HAD KNOW THIS WAS HAPPENING DURING THE ROYAL WEDDING HOOPLA. 

It makes me LOL for days that Kim has a manager. 

In Adrienne’s House of Gold and Columns™ she and Paul are planning another awkward party that is sure to end in Big Lips crying and the Maloof-Nasifs screaming at each other. They’re having a BBQ where gold will be served. It’s going to be such a classy affair. 

How have none of these broads heard about potty training animals? These faux-rich reality stars always just live in homes covered in dog excrement. My dog pooped in the house once twice four times, but I shut that right down. 

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Mondays are a joyous occasion for once in my life. 

Last week’s episode ended with Kim in a drugged stupor talking about how much she loves planes. SO I AM SO EXCITED FOR TONIGHT. 

This week opens with Kim on the phone with Adrienne again. She was supposed to be on her way to the private plane, but she doesn’t even know who she’s talking to on the phone and she has no makeup on. She claims she’ll be there in 15 minutes. Somehow she arrives. I mean I guess she arrives. Something arrives. She’s a mess. She’s wearing a white pimpish suit. She claims the power was out on her whole block, but then she says she went to her neighbors house to get ready. I think her meth lab just exploded or something. 

On the plane to Sacramento Kim proceeds to gossip about the ski trip. She makes fun of VANDERPUMP’S AWESOME WHITE FUR HAT. Um, you have no right. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT. 

Adrienne tells Kim that the night might be a little tough because the fans want to kill the Maloof family. Kim is prepared to fight. I HOPE IT COMES TO THAT. 

In Beverly Hills Kyle and her ladysiter, Justin, are setting up her new house and preparing for a cocktail party to raise money for a children’s cancer charity. Let’s go back to the fact that she has a ladysitter. I like his plaid shirt. It looks nice on his chocolate skin, too. 

Kyle calls VANDERPUMP to ask for a donation for the silent auction. Of course she agrees to donate because SHE IS A SAINT. 

Back in Sacramento, everyone is on edge. Except Kim because she’s got too many drugs in her system to feel any sort of emotion, least of all stress. Adrienne is talking about how hard change is and how difficult it will be to move the Kings from Sacramento. Kim knows EXACTLY how she feels. She also hates change and new restaurants. But then she spots some chocolate and she forgets about everything. 

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The broads are still in Beaver Creek. VANDERPUMP is looking better than ever in her plaid shirt. She’s a vision. She’s judging Taylor for drinking a bottle of wine and crying in the jacuzzi. I’m judging her for that and for being gay for Kyle. If Kyle were to be gay for anyone, Taylor—it wouldn’t be you. 

Kim is laying down (probably after a meth binge) and Taylor runs in and jumps on top of her to talk. Her lips are all that are visible. It’s like they caught a disease in the filthy jacuzzi and blew up even more. The bones in her face jut out everywhere. She’s so sharp. Taylor is crying about her problems. She goes on and on about Adrienne not having any problems. Ol’ Crack Pipe Sue™ (Kim) somehow acts as the voice of reason during this entire conversation. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. 

Taylor apologizes for everything in the past with Kim. I doubt it’s going to stick because no one on earth holds a grudge as long as Crack Pipe Sue™. Except my cat, DeLuca. 

Downstairs some chefs are downstairs preparing a meal for the broads. Kim and Taylor aren’t ready for dinner. Taylor is in Kyle’s suitcase. She makes pouty faces like a broad who knows a molestation or two. Then Taylor goes a little crazier. She’s just drunk, screaming and slamming doors. Adrienne is afraid of what’s happening. I would be too. Crack Pipe Sue™ CONTINUES to be the voice of reason. She tries to get her dressed and made up. Lisa tries to shut down the tears. Taylor is sure her makeup bag is gone. Everyone is searching for it while Taylor cries, screams and her bones cut people who pass her. Turns out her makeup bag isn’t gone. Shocking. 

Everyone stands around looking like they’re afraid for their lives. 

The only one missing from the action is Camille. Why is she never around? 

VANDERPUMP is a sight (a beautiful one) in her midriff-baring lacy shirt. She heads to the kitchen to tell Camille what’s happening with Taylor. What’s happening is that that broad was molested years ago, has been in an abusive relationship and is now having a nervous breakdown. 

“You’re having a nervous breakdown, I can see it,” Adrienne says to Taylor. Then Adrienne goes and whispers about it to VANDERPUMP. “I feel bad for Taylor, but we’re on vacation, come on,” Kyle says. PUT IT IN PERSPECTIVE, KYLE. 

Why is everyone hugging? Cool it. Go drink fancy wine and eat chef-made food, bitches. Everyone is psychoanalyzing this crazy broad. LET ME DO IT FOR YOU. Molestation+beatings=crazy. THE END. 

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I hope Adrienne and her husband don’t awkwardly fight at a dinner party tonight.

Note: a few weeks ago when ALLIED VAN LINES (DON’T EVER USE THEM) decided to wait 3 1/2 weeks to deliver my stuff in my cross country move I had (HAD) to get a new TV. It’s 50 inches and really like a work of art so I finally gave into the HD nonsense. YOU GUYS, it’s like a whole new world. The point of all this is that these broads (save for Lisa VANDERPUMP and Kyle) all look like monsters. I’d kill myself if I was on TV after the invention of high definition. (Maybe that’s why Russell did it and it had nothing to do with his being a woman beating thief?)

Anyway, moving on. Kyle and that handsome husband of hers have moved houses. It’s 7000 square feet with 7 bedrooms. Kyle tells us that each girl now finally has her own room. You’re telling me that your daughters lived like hobos and shared rooms before this? And you call yourself rich. Come on!

Kyle is so pretty.

THE MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK comes over to see the new house. She also keeps saying “us” when referencing house things. “If he keeps the pool table it’s going to keep us from getting furniture.” MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK, it’s not your house.

Lisa VANDERPUMP’S closet is a masterpiece. I especially like her jewels displayed in the middle. She’s packing for a trip with the other ladies to Camille’s Colorado home. They’re going “skiing.” She also has this and I bet she looks absolutely exquisite in it.

Why are these broads all traveling together? They all hate at least 2 others in their group.

Elsewhere in Beverly Hills, Adrienne fills her golden suitcases with bars of gold. She brings 3 pieces of luggage for 2 days. She’s not even skiing. She also gives Paul instructions for while she’s gone. It’s mostly about driving slow and locking the doors. It’s like when my mom goes out of town and my dad leaves the front door wide open for days because he’s too dumb to close it. It’s like that if my parent’s had doors made out of pure gold.

OK, let’s speed this episode up, Bravo. It’s REAL boring.

The stretch limo (that’s apparently still a thing) picks Taylor and Adrienne up first. They have an awkward-we-aren’t-really-friends-so-we-have-nothing-to-say conversation about weather. Also, apparently Lisa VANDERPUMP refuses to travel in the same car as Adrienne because she’s never on time and Lisa VANDERPUMP is a stand up broad and is always on time.

Taylor and Adrienne start talking about their marriages. Taylor says they’re still in therapy and how she speaks her mind finally. That worked out REALLY WELL.

Kyle is dressed as a pimp at the airport.

Ugly stepsister Kim is all hopped up on drugs. She claims she has had cabin fever being trapped at home, but I think it’s more like a meth fever. But what do I know? (Everything.)

Lisa VANDERPUMP is obviously embarrassed to be traveling with Kim. I’m embarrassed to be watching Kim. She’s a mess. She’s babbling and giggling and cornholing.

They board the plane and Kim starts catcalling your boys on the plane. It’s terrible. You know, because she has kids who are old enough to watch this.

The flight gets really out of control when all the ladies start acting like crazed children on the airplane. Adrienne and Kim punch some dude’s ass. Kyle sticks a makeup brush up Lisa VANDERPUMP’s nose. VANDERPUMP is the only broad not acting the fool.

They arrive in Beaver Creek only to be told by their stretch limo driver that they have to take some crazy, long way because I-70 is closed. Whatever I-70 is. Anyway, no one is happy about this. I mean, they’re trapped in this stretch limo like it’s prom night, 1986.

It’s going to be a four hour drive. ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME? I thought the driver meant it was like 30 miles out of the way. Not 1000.

Camille and her friend assistant, Carrie, are preparing for the ladies. The house is made almost entirely of bricks and looks like the best place to spend winters. Camille is upset because she has to sell the house.

Back in 1986, the ladies are going stir crazy. Kim is spilling her guts. She won’t shut her whore mouth. Then Kyle asks VANDERPUMP if Ken was mad at her at Adrienne’s Awkward Dinner Party ‘11. Lisa defends Ken and Taylor attacks. Cool it, Taylor. Therapy obviously didn’t take.

I really miss the days when Camille was my worst enemy. Now she’s barely seen. Where’s that bitch, Allison Dubois when I need her?

The broads finally make it to the castle.

“I feel sorry for her. She has to sell these beautiful houses. She’s going to be down to just a couple soon,” Lisa VANDERPUMP so wisely acknowledges. I know how that feels, when you’re just down to a couple of houses.

Uh oh, two of the ladies have to share a room like common hobos.

No one wants to share a room with Taylor. I wouldn’t either. VANDERPUMP pulls a VANDERPUMP and gets the best bedroom. She deserves it. Kim and Kyle agree to share. That should turn out well. Especially when Kim catches the bed on fire with her crack torch.

Next they take a stretch SUV limo out to dinner. Kyle is all about Camille now. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP? I don’t watch this to see friends giggle in the back of a stretch limo. Kim gets really upset because they all talk about back hair. For once I’m on Kim’s side.

These old creeps start talking about some cute 20-year-olds for Camille and Kim to go pounce on. Then they get a delicious plate of cheese.

Then things get a little weird when Kim and Kyle have a bit of an altercation. Kyle claims they’re in a good place, but Kim isn’t really there yet. With all that jealousy of being the ugly, single-at-70 sister you’re never going to be there, Kim.

The next morning Taylor checks in on Kim, who apparently contracted bronchitis overnight. More like methchitis.

Downstairs, Taylor and Lisa VANDERPUMP “hang out” because neither of them can sleep. It’s awkward. I feel like I’m constantly saying that with these broads.

Finally everyone else wakes up and Aunt Jemima Camille makes pancakes. WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

You should see VANDERPUMP and Adrienne try to crack eggs to help make the pancakes.

John, the ski concierge, of course, shows up to measure everyone for their equipment. Camille peer pressures Adrienne into skiing. She has a bunk knee but agrees to do it. Kind of like that time Kim agreed to “just try” meth.

The ladies flirt with the ski concierge who is an obvious fagatron. I’M REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. Kim is all over this gentleman.

They finally make it to the slopes. Lisa VANDERPUMP looks absolutely magnificent in her big white fur hat. A ski instructor meets them at the top of the mountain. They all claim to ski, plus they’re rich so why is this broad here? All rich people ski.

VANDERPUMP is a vision on skis.

After a day on the slopes Taylor and Kyle get in the jacuzzi. Note: I hate jacuzzis. I would especially hate Kelsey Grammer’s filthy jacuzzi probably. God knows what’s breeding in it.

Taylor’s big lips act as flotation devices in the jacuzzi. The ladies have a really emotional chat about the fear of being alone and letting go of the anger of holding her voice for so long and also everything else that is sad in her life (which is everything in her life). Then Taylor has a nervous breakdown and her lips explode. The last part of that sentence, sadly, didn’t happen. She’s a boney, restylane-filled mess. Then they look like they’re going to make out and I’m officially over this jacuzzi scene.

Next week on THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS: Taylor has another [12] nervous breakdowns and gets in her own luggage, Kim goes into another crack stupor and makes phone calls, Adrienne buys more gold.

I am so excited for this. When that creep killed himself a few weeks ago (and I feel as though I can call him a creep because he was one and he hit women. But mostly because he was a super creep. I can speak ill of the dead when the dead was a super creep whilst living.) I was devastated that Bravo was going to push back the season. I was going to fly to New York and set Bravo on fire. Luckily I didn’t have to because THEY MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.

Moving on, it’s August 29, 2011. Everyone (minus Taylor, of course) gathers at Andrienne’s house to talk about Russell’s death. Everyone is fake sad. I mean, there’s no way to actually be sad, right?. I guess they’re sad for Taylor and their child, which makes sense. But let’s not mourn the wife abuser. They all act shocked. Um, I didn’t know him and I’m not shocked. It’s like a group therapy session. Boring. Cool it with Russell. Let’s talk about LISA VANDERPUMP. They all pretty much say Russell was a bad dude. Duh. 

Then we go back to scenes from last season and the new season begins prior to Russell’s suicide. It starts with LISA VANDERPUMP and Giggy “weeweeing” outside the Beverly Hills beauty salon. Not Lisa, but Giggy. They meet Pandora, LISA VANDERPUMP’S daughter to talk about her boyfriend, Jason. LISA VANDERPUMP really wants them to get married. Cut to Jason meeting with Ken, asking permission to marry Pandora. Ken is REAL excited about it. Not just the engagement, but the old-timeyness about Jason asking the father. It’s a real sweet moment. I’M CRYING. 

WHERE IS THAT BITCH CAMILLE?

Demi Moore Kyle and that fox of a husband of hers are packing up their house because they’re moving. 

Apparently the queen of passive aggression, Kim, has been ignoring Kyle’s calls since that big limo fight where Kyle showed off her awesome legs. I thought Kim wasn’t coming back? I wish she wasn’t there. She bores me to tears. We all see how jealous of your sister. I mean she looks like Demi Moore and you look like…Rumer Willis? (That’s the ugliest person I could think of off the top of my head.) 

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1. My gut instinct about Forest Whitaker was correct. He IS creepy. Also, I don’t appreciate the wardrobe people on Criminal Minds: This Spinoff Sucks dressing him like a pimp. Just because he’s black doesn’t mean he’s a pimp. (He could just as easily be a drug dealer.)

2. If they kill Emily Prentiss off on Criminal Minds (it’s been a real dark week, filled with CM) I’ll probably kill myself off. Have you guys seen her? She’s so tough and smart and awesome. I wouldn’t have to sleep with a sword next to my bed if she and her gun moved in.

3. Oprah could have easily been killed by that rage-filled monster 10 year old on today’s episode. (Yeah, I’m watching Oprah. Daily. SCREW YOU!) I think his parents should have given him back/accidentally lost him/left him in Russia. There were a multitude of options. Going on Oprah wasn’t one of them. Now he’ll be much more difficult to dispose of.

4. 30 Rock has been funny-ish to funny for the last 3 weeks. I am not getting my hopes up with this one. It could be a fluke. But it could also mean a comeback to greatness.

5. The League was renewed for season 3 and ALL IS RIGHT IN THE UNIVERSE. 

6. The Chicago Code is so good that it makes me want to cry. So I do cry. A lot. You guys need to stop being morons, turn off the Charlie Sheen and Bachelor, and turn on The Chicago Code. It is television at it’s very finest.

7. Lisa VanderPump, this one’s for you. I love you, now and forever.

8. Dr Oz is FILLED with gems of wisdom. Right, so I started watching that when I went to visit my mom this weekend. I learned so much. I need to start drinking tart cherry juice, investigating my poop (this will not be happening). I also am 100% sure that I have alzheimers, lung cancer and will have an autistic child. (1 in 70 boys are autistic, you guys. ONE IN SEVENTY.) 

9. I’ve learned that I no longer want children. See number 8. Also, see that kid (#3) who tried to kill his mom and was within stabbing distance to Oprah today. No thank you.

10. Oprah brings so much joy to people’s lives when she shouts and throws gifts at them.  [SCREAM AT ME AND THROW THINGS AT ME, HARPS.]

11. I am not looking forward to the Real Housewives of Miami. If I wanted to watch latino/as doing stuff I’d go downstairs and watch my maid fold my laundry. 

1. Stretch limos still exist.
2. Kyle has fantastic legs.

Camille and Kelsey Grammer have two separate hot tubs in Hawaii.

That is all I have to say on this subject. Or any subject.