Posts tagged rhofbh

I’m kind of glad the finale is finally here. It’s been a bunk season of RHoBH and I really hate watching it. 

 Lisa VANDERPUMP is preparing for Pandora’s “intimate” wedding. By intimate they mean huge. The tent is bigger than most houses. VANDERPUMP is concerned about the flowers because it’s so hot out. Ugh, I’m so bored. 

Oh joy! Adrienne and Paul. Paul is having his millionth colonoscopy, but he still asks questions like he’s never had one and like he’s not a doctor. Paul asks Adrienne to help him give himself an enema. I am sick. Luckily she’s a bitch and won’t do it. And why are we seeing him getting a colonoscopy? Was there NOTHING ELSE to show? NOTHING? No footage of Russell hitting Taylor? No footage of someone sleeping? This is pointless. Ugh, I’m so bored.

Back at the VANDERPUMP manse they’re [still] excitedly getting ready for the wedding. I DIDN’T SIGN ON TO THIS SHOW TO WATCH PANDORA. I am so bored watching this. VANDERPUMP wears a wife beater while watching someone wheel in a $9500 wedding cake. It comes in in stages. Ken carries in a part of it, much to VANDERPUMP’S dismay.

Kyle makes Mauricio and Portia help her decide what to wear to the big wedding. Mauricio doesn’t really care. Kyle shows him some of her typical ugly dresses. She’s so pretty, but she wears the tackiest clothes. If I see her in a strappy-sided dress one more time I will kill someone. And how does Mauricio not have black tie? Everyone has black tie! Except hillbillies. This is obviously staged. There is no way he doesn’t his own tuxedo.

Franc is nowhere to be found. VANDERPUMP is pissed. She shouldn’t have hired that creepy asian-ish fagatron in the first place. 

Camille and her hired friend, Elizabeth, are picking out a dress for the wedding too. No way did any of these people pick dresses the day of the event. I don’t even do that and I wear pajamas most of the time. So I certainly wouldn’t do it if I was forced to wear gowns. 

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There are very few things I hate more than an extended episode of a show. You’d think that I’d be into something like that. Frankly it just screws up programming for the rest of the night and makes it nearly impossible to record everything I want. And don’t get me started on how much it affects later syndication. 

Anyway, this dreck was 75 minutes last night. Instead of taking an after work nap I’m doing the world a good deed and recapping this. (You’re welcome.)

The show starts out at Kyle’s house. She’s always in her bathroom. Kyle, Farrah and Portia are all hanging out getting ready for some party. (Well, Portia isn’t because she’s a child.) Kyle tells Farrah (who is Farrah? I missed some episodes. Am I supposed to know her?) that Taylor left Russell. Then they talk about all the beatings and stuff. Quickly moving on to more important subjects, Kyle announces that she has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from her latest fight with Kim. She should totally tell that to servicemen returning home from Iraq and Afghanistan. 

LISA VANDERPUMP is bossing around people who are setting up Sur for a party. Apparently no one planned at all in advance. It’s two hours until the doors open and nothing has been done. (What, is Lisa Vanderpump related to Michael Ballard of Full Throttle Saloon?)

VANDERPUMP ditches Ken at the restaurant. He kind of sexually assaults her as she tries to go home to get dressed. 

Elsewhere in Beverly Hills, Kim is at Maison 140 with Thierry, the make-up artist, and her creepy boyfriend Ken. Ken and Kim decided to get a hotel the night of the party so they could mix more meth and alcohol and have less of a drive home. Kim has so much crap just for one night away from home. Then she pulls out a vibrator that she tries to use as lipstick. That’s all I have to say on this subject.

Kim forces Ken to wait on her hand and foot. Luckily he’ll beat the hell out of her later so it all evens out. 

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I’m really not in the mood for this show. I’m kind of sick of it. Every week is the same. They fight at a party. 

The show opens with Kim introducing Kyle to her creepy boyfriend of one year. “Be a big girl,” Kim tells Kyle while leading her into this den of creep.

They discuss Kim’s big move. Kyle also notices that Ken is wearing a wedding band. This is the most awkward meeting I’ve ever been a part of. Kyle leaves to go cry. Kim and Ken do some hugging. Apparently Kim’s kids have told Kyle that Ken is controlling. Oh, we have another Russell on our hands? GREAT NEWS! Kyle claims she wants to be wrong about Ken, but I have a feeling she really hopes to be right. 

I’m really uncomfortable after that whole thing. 

Back in Beverly Hills, Adrienne and Paul pretend like they aren’t cash poor and wolf some food at Crustacean. “I’m more of a vegetarian,” Adrienne says. Does she know she’s at a seafood restaurant? Then they fight about what Adrienne is going to order. Paul wants to order for her since it’s his birthday. They continue to fight. They should just get divorced and split all the gold between them.

At dinner they discuss their concerns about Bones Magoo and the beatings Russell gives her. 

OK, I’ve had enough with Paul’s birthday dinner. Did nothing else happen this whole week? 

Kyle and Mauricio talk and giggle about rich people things. And also about Kim. Kyle fills him in on the whole Ken debacle. 

Taylor time! She’s been nominated for a Women Making a Difference award. (What kind of difference is she making?) Russell shows up and doesn’t even punch her. Adrienne, Camille and [my new favorite] Dana all show up to support Bones. Kyle arrives late and can’t find anyone so she asks VANDERPUMP where everyone is. VANDERPUMP has no idea what Kyle is talking about. What a bitch that stupid Bones Magoo is for not inviting VANDERPUMP. Kyle keeps telling everyone that she just made a mistake and told VANDERPUMP about the festivities she wasn’t invited to attend. WHY DOES ANYONE THINK VANDERPUMP WOULD CARE? If I were her I’d be more upset if I had been invited. 

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