Posts tagged teenmom

I would like for shows to cool it with this 90 minute business. Squeeze everything into an hour, please. 

Jenellle is on her way to rehab in California. She claims to miss Jace. I wish she wasn’t a liar. I’m glad she wore her tie-dye hoodie to rehab. It’s such a good look. If someone could send me one I’d be really appreciative. 

Rehab looks terrible if you’re poor. “I probably have a blunt wrapper in there,” she says to the rehab attendant. Then she tests positive for blunts. NICE WORK!

The next morning she meets with the her primary therapist. She’s still wearing her tie-dye hoodie. She gets a list of rules that sound terrible. Rehab is the worst. You can’t even get high there. She tells the therapist that she needs to address her issues with her mother, because that crazy bitch sends Jenelle into a rage that only results in the smoking of weed. 

Kailyn is supposed to be studying, but she’s more concerned about the fact that she and Jo banged again. Her friend feigns shock, but she doesn’t really seem all that shocked. “Are you gonna tell Jordan,” she asks. Uh, do none of these people realize how TV works? WE CAN ALL SEE YOU. SURPRISE! YOU JUST TOLD HIM!

Chelsea is focusing on her GED or something. She’s taking the writing portion today. Somehow she passed the practice test last week. (She obviously cheated.) After the test she talks to her mom about going to college beauty school. Let’s not jump the gun, Mom, she has to pass the GED. Her mom invites her to the car show. (Her mom wants to go so she try to meet a man. That is a true story.)

Leah is staying at her mom’s until her new house is ready. Let’s back up a little, Leah. It’s a trailer. You don’t have a house. It’s safe to say you’ve probably never actually stepped foot in a house. 

Um, Corey reads IN THE NEWSPAPER (apparently those are still a thing) that Leah filed for divorce. I’ve never been divorced, but I’d venture to guess that’s not usually how it works. Corey calls his dad to tell him the news but on top of his mumbling accent, those hounds from a few weeks ago are fighting in the background so I came away with very little from this conversation.

Seriously, who does Leah’s hair? That person needs to be set on fire. 

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Oh good, this episode starts with my favorite: Jenelle. She’s moping around the house in tie-dye. Always a good look for anyone. I used to wear a tie-dye shirt I made at camp. Even at 12 I knew it was a big mistake. Jenelle seems to wear it without even a hint of regret. Anyway, she’s moping around the house because she isn’t allowed to hang out with anyone she’s ever met because they all smoke weed. She’s laying around with her son. One would think that the court wouldn’t allow her to hang out with him either, considering how many drugs that baby must have come out of the womb addicted to. But luckily no one has brought this to the authority’s attention. 

Jenelle can only talk to Kiefer on the phone. It’s real lonely. She’s also really stressed out because she’s living with a man from the 1890s her mom who talks like she’s in Newsies. They are fighting about pants. “WHERE ARE MY GODDAMN PANTS?” “I PUT YOUR GODDAMN PANTS HERE.” Stuff like that. It’s so weird that Jenelle completely lacks a top lip. 

“Stop talking shit about me. I can hear you through the baby monitor, you fucking idiot,” Jenelle yells at her mother, Barbara. WOULD YOU KISS YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT MOUTH, JENELLE? Wait, I guess you would. Jace is just standing there [in a pile of clothes and filth] watching this happen. I can’t wait for TV in 15 years when he’s on Beyond Scared Straight. Jenelle will probably be the lead bitch in whatever prison they take him to. I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE FUTURE!

Barbara has one huge ass in those khakis. Not a flattering cut.

Jenelle calls Kiefer. She’s just about to die. She decides they need to break up since she’ll go to jail if she sees him. Neither one of them seem to care that much. “I’m going to have to get over it, but it’s going to take years,” he says. I think he’s confused by time. I think he means hours. 

Kailyn and Jo do some talking. They’re totally going to bang again. JO HAS A MUSIC VIDEO COMING OUT! WHAT?!?!? That’s cool, Jo. 

Later that day Kailyn and her gigantic boyfriend Jordan talk about Jo wanting a weekday visitation day at Kailyn’s. Jordan is visibly jealous. He has a bad feeling. But he looks too dumb to be alive so it’s probably nothing.

Chelsea has finally stopped talking about the charity walk she was consumed by last week. Her friend comes over to help her get ready for the GED. I don’t mean study, I mean she helps her read about the idea of the GED. Chelsea’s skin is a mess. 

Leah isn’t sure Corey is going to move with her. He’s just her husband. NO BIG DEAL. Corey comes in and says he heard a rumor about her. That she had sex with Robbie a week before she married Corey. Spoiler alert: IT’S TRUE! She’s a real standup broad. She also has the most beautiful shade of yellow hair I’ve ever seen. 

Corey is really angry. I can’t really tell what either one of them are saying. Call me crazy but I’ve never been so drunk that I’d bang someone else a week before my wedding. (And I’m not even THAT great of a human being.)

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I’m sorry I’ve been so slow to recap this one. It’s been a rough week. But I just read the info on this episode and immediately had to watch!

Jenelle has to move back in with her mom, Barbara, since she and Tori got into a fist fight. The day after she moves back in she also has a court date for her breaking & entering charge. Uh, and also her marijuana one. She and Barbara sit around talking about the fight. This is sure to turn into another fight. Barbara brings up Kiefer (presumably not Sutherland) and, somehow, neither one of them hits the others.

Kailyn is my least favorite. She’s so stupid. I don’t care to see her vacuum. She gets a call from her lawyer saying that Jo is going to have to keep paying child support because the hearing was postponed. She heads to Jo’s to drop off Isaac. They have a riveting conversation about child support. And about how he wants to meet Jordan, Kailyn’s future (probably sooner rather than later) baby-daddy. She agrees and waddles away.

Chelsea is hard at work scrubbing tanning beds at Brown Year Round. She’s been focusing on her GED and fiddling with her weave. Her hair looks like animals live in it. Back at her house, she’s babbling about the March of Dimes walk she wants to do. Is her lip pierced or is that a growth? She should see a doctor. 

Leah and her friend, Kayla, take the girls to the park so they can gossip about Corey. Leah just can’t understand why Corey doesn’t want to move trailers. I don’t understand it either. Has he seen that basement in their current one? I don’t even understand the logistics of a trailer with a basement. Is it a hole in the ground? Like they started building a pool and then just decided to put a trailer over the hole? If someone can explain this please email me. I spent most of last week trying to figure this out. 

Chelsea is obsessed with the March of Dimes walk. I think she’s under the impression that she is the founder of the March of Dimes. Or walking. Her hair looks even worse today. Has she ever seen a brush? Don’t you have to get weaves more than once? Hers looks like she’s trying to make it last FOREVER. 

Jenelle! She’s spending “more time” with Jace. By “more time” I mean “she ate some ice cream in front of him and then left to meet with her lawyer.” Same thing.

She meets with her lawyer. Her court date is today and he’s just hearing the story about the weed being Kiefer’s? What? Shouldn’t she have told him all this when they initially met? Maybe I don’t understand law. (With the amount of Law & Order I watch I’m pretty sure I could be considered a practicing lawyer.)

Kailyn looks like she was born with a soft skull that didn’t form properly in the womb. She and her friend Meagan just do some chillin’ (her word, not mine). They talk about Jo meeting Jordan. Let’s totally talk about this more. I’m not bored at all. Meagan tells Kailyn that she saw on Twitter (the New York Times of our time) that Jo has a new girl. Kailyn is sure it’s a groupie. Uh, he’s not Mick Jagger, ladies. LET’S WORK TOGETHER TO CLASS IT UP. WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS. 

Chelsea is STILL talking about the charity walk. Listen, slut, I did a charity walk when I was 6. YOU AREN’T IMPRESSING ANYONE. EVERYONE WITH LEGS HAS WALKED FOR THE CURE FOR SOMETHING OR OTHER IN THEIR DAY. I don’t understand what is happening. 

Chelsea’s tongue ring is super cool. Since it’s 1996. 

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I am kind of bummed I just got into this show Jenelle. I never felt much when I watched bits and pieces of the first season, but last week I really got hooked. Too bad this episode is one of the last of the season. (Only 3 left!)

I guess between last week and this week Corey really decided to be a coal miner. They’re real excited that they’ll be able to afford some land for their new trailer. Yes, they are really excited about that. And not in some sort of hipster ironic way, but in a “we’re really excited about putting this trailer on some land” kind of way. To each his own, right? I mean, I guess. 

They go look at the land and I’m scared through the television. It looks like Deliverance. Someone is going to get murdered here. “Is the schools good here?” Leah asks a man in the neighborhood. One can only hope they’re better than the one you attended, Leah.

Leah runs by her mom’s trailer to use the internet. Uh, does she not have it at her house? Do they all have trailers? What is happening? Wait! A trailer only costs $5000? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? 

Kailyn is really busy with community college and work. Of course she is. Sounds taxing. Joe hasn’t sent any of the child support payments he owes her, but he does send a letter [to court] that appears to have been written by a 7-year-old stating that he shouldn’t have to pay as much as the court says he should. 

Chelsea is really stressed out! “I haven’t done any studying for my GED and I start my job at the tanning salon tomorrow, but I can’t think about any of that right now because Adam has been really distant,” she says. Looks like someone has her priorities in line. Apparently Adam called the night before and broke up with her. That’s cool. You brought a child into the world with her, but couldn’t bother to do the break-up in person? A real stand-up gent. Chelsea is a mess. 

Jenelle’s mom wants her to pay child support. In other Jenelle news, she’s discovered that Keifer (not Sutherland) has been talking to other broads. “You’re the only dude I talk to,” she yells at him. And then yells and yells and yells. She and her mom go to Social Services to find out Jenelle has to pay $30 a week in child support. Um, what’s the point? What can you buy for $30? (Nothing.) “I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO NO ONE,” Jenelle screams at her mother. She has some real anger issues. She also has some real issues with the King’s English. I’m glad she has a kid. 

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Let it be known, Internet, that I don’t know these broads or the gentlemen who impregnated them. I know very basic info I’ve read in tabloids about each of them, but I don’t watch the show, I don’t have nicknames for them and I don’t have a real connection with them like I do Braces, Farrah, Vaguely Asian and Beeeeentley’s Mom. But here goes…

I can sense that Jenelle is going to be my favorite. She’s filled with rage in the PREVIOUSLY ON segment.

The show opens with Chelsea moving into a new apartment. She has a really beautiful animal print rug. Right after hanging her last Anne Geddes print she heads out to pick up some job applications. She interviews with an orange lady at a tanning salon. She really sells herself with, “I’m working on my GED and planning to go to cosmetology school.” The orange lady claims she’ll call in the next day or so. Chelsea also made the wise decision to bring her child with her to the interview. 

Kailyn apparently had a fight with babydaddy, Joe, about how much child support he’ll have to pay. She meets with some hillbilly friends to discuss this issue. They eat pizza that looks so delicious that I’m too distracted to listen to the show. 

Kailyn looks like she works around meth. 

Leah makes me sad because something is wrong with Ali, one of her twins. It mostly makes me sad because I feel like I have to be nicer to her. GODDAMN DEVELOPMENTAL DELAYS! I will say that I HATE babies with pierced ears. It’s gross. But I’d expect nothing less from these trailer dwellers. 

I don’t understand a word Corey, her husband (are they still married? Didn’t she cheat on him twice?), says. And I speak fluent Southern. I believe he says he wants to become a coal miner. That’s always a good move because miners never get trapped for days until they die from a lack of air or water. Why is coal mining still a thing? Anyway, they decide to learn more about coal mining.

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Do you guys think Dr. Drew will ask Catelynn about Carly? I DO! I’m so over Carly.

Part 2 starts where part 1 left off, with Amber storming off in tears when Dr. Drew brings up her sister. Drew chases her, she comes back and he tells us some SIDS statistics that SCARES ME OUT OF EVER HAVING A CHILD. 

I really love Vaguely Asian’s nose ring. Know what I hate? Amber’s mom’s voice. WHAT IS SHE SAYING? It’s like she’s both drunk and has a mouth full of potatoes. I THINK she says that she asked Vaguely Asian if she and Fatty were banging when they were 16. Did she expect Vaguely Asian to tell the truth? She’s a sociopath. The truth isn’t really in her realm of thought. 

Drew boots them right off the stage so he can bring out Braces and Lanky. He tells us that children born to teens are twice as likely to suffer abuse. I’m no doctor, but I could have told you that. SHOCKING STATISTIC, DR. DREW. He applauds Braces and Lanky for making the decision to put their baby up for adoption. I WISH HE’D ADDRESS HOW CREEPY IT IS THAT ALL THEY DO, 3 YEARS LATER, IS LAY AROUND TALKING ABOUT HER. 

It’s nice that Lanky paid for those two diamond earrings, but didn’t think to pay his rent. (They were evicted for their 40¢ a month apartment a few months back.) He’s a wizard.

Dr. Drew asks them where they’d be if they had kept Carly. Braces said she wouldn’t have graduated high school. DUH! She barely accomplished that without a child. 

Then they show an hour worth of CLIPS I’VE ALREADY SEEN: the duo talking about Carly, Butch talking about Carly, April talking about Carly, Lanky wanting to go clubbin’ (no g), Butch dropping dirty whilst talking about Carly, etc.

BUTCH’S HAIR IS A MASTERPIECE. 

They come back from the clip montage and Catelynn is crying. She says it’s because of the scenes with her dad. Why, because he’s gay? Because the visit was so short. I would like bring up [once again] that his house has no doors. That has nothing to do with this recap, but HIS HOUSE HAS NO DOORS. 

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I tend to not like reunion specials because they just rehash scenes I’ve already seen, but I’m giving this one a chance in hopes that Vaguely Asian punches Dr. Drew or something. I also hope Butch got out of jail long enough to swing by the studio to be interviewed. 

I can’t stand Dr. Drew. I think he’s detrimental to society. He’s also wearing a hideous outfit.

Not to beat an old horse to death (is that a saying? If not, now it is.) but how has Maci not seen a dermatologist since I’ve known her? 

Dr. Drew asks if other girls in their situation (read: teen sluts) reach out to them. Maci says girls thank her for showing them that they can do it. Uh, how is she showing people she can do it? She’s taking care of a child and an albino all whilst barely skimming by in community college. She’s being thanked for that? I hate Earth. 

Vaguely Asian says she gets a lot of negative feedback. I have no idea why. 

Farrah gets a lot of supportive feedback. Of course she does. It’s all coming from her one friend, Sophia. Farrah just imagines the conversations in her mind since Sophia can’t actually speak.

Catelynn likes to go to the hospital with other teen moms. That’s not creepy. Girls on Facebook reach out to her about adoption. She’s not really an adoption specialist. She seems to think that adoption means giving your child to someone else but then referencing said child all day, every day. (That’s not usually how it works, girls.)

Then they cut to a video looking back and the season’s highs and lows. (My favorite high was when April said, “your dad went to prison, dude.”)

OK, cool it with the scenes that I’ve already seen. 

Dr. Drew asks Maci what’s up with Bentley’s pacifier. I ASKED THAT LAST WEEK. He’s nearly an adult and he still has it. That said, I carried my blankie around until I was like 22 so who am I to judge?

Next up, Drew asks Catelynn what her career plans are. You mean, she plans on doing something other than working at that jewelry store? I HOPE SHE DOESN’T SAY SHE WANTS TO BE A TEACHER. OH NO! She does. She wants to be a pre-school teacher. Or maybe an adoption specialist. PLEASE DON’T LET HER TEACH.

Leah has finally learned to use a toilet. I don’t have kids but it doesn’t seem all that impressive considering her age. She also likes to rip all of her clothes off and run around the house after going to the bathroom. Get in line, Leah, I’ve been doing that for years. (Note: I don’t know how safe it is for her to be doing that considering the kind of gentlemen Amber likes to bring home.)

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Tonight’s episode is the season finale of TEEN MOM. My heart is very much broken right now. 

Farrah is preparing for Sophia’s second birthday. It seems like only yesterday we were watching her being expunged from her mother’s vagina. 

Farrah is making Sophia’s cake. It looks like Sophia made it herself. (I’m surprised she didn’t.) Didn’t she just graduate from round one of culinary school?!

The family fights over the day of Sophia’s birth. Who was there, who wasn’t there, what kind of pain Farrah was in, why the doctor didn’t put Farrah down when he had the chance. They fight about everything. I hate Farrah so much! 

Farrah wants to implement a tradition where they all get together on Sophia’s birthday. Yeah, that’s called a birthday party. You didn’t invent that, Farrah. I hate you. 

Maci and her look-alike mother get pedicures and talk about The Slow Albino not wanting Ryan in their life anymore. Her mother agrees to pick up Bentley from Ryan’s house when he needs picking up.

Somewhere in a Michigan trailer Catelynn is still gloating about finishing high school. Hey broad, it’s not that difficult. And it appears to be even less difficult in Michigan. Cool it with the bragging. You might be impressing April, but you aren’t impressing anyone else.

Butch has been living in Detroit (Note: I am moving to Detroit tomorrow) due to the no contact rule the STUPID court placed on he and April. HEY COURT, DO YOU NOT HAVE A HEART? Do you know see the love there? 

Braces and Lanky haven’t been seeing much of Butch since he’s been in Detroit. BUT GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER STAY WITH BRACES AND LANKY? BUTCH! They have a real adult conversation about their potential house guest. They make a list of rules he must follow. He can’t bring crack into the house. No illegal activities. Respect the house trailer. No cops! Goddamn narcs, Braces and Lanky are.

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The show is 90 minutes tonight. That’s pretty much my dream. 

Anyway, moving on. Vaguely Asian got out of jell and broke it off with that creepy rapist, Clinton so she could focus on things like laying in soft clothes on a sheetless bed. 

Jessia, Vaguely Asian’s friend, calls to discuss all the drama. Apparently she sat with 6 other deviants in a cell with one blanket. Jell sounds terrible. Leah is running around the house, nearly motherless. Mom’s on the phone, kid. LEAVE HER ALONE, SHE’S BUSY. 

Braces finished her high school classes. Finally. Goddamn idiot. Wait, how does she have an iPad? They live in a cat-filled trailer and she could pay the price of an iPad and it’s montly service fee? I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE WORLD. 

Brandon and Theresa, THE PARENTS OF CARLY (You know, because Braces and Lanky GAVE HER UP FOR ADOPTION) send them an email to say they need to think about their request to bring Carly to graduation. Hey Brandon and Theresa, CHANGE YOUR NUMBER. 

Maci and the slow albino are sitting around, not saying much. (What they do say I don’t understand because I don’t think it’s English.) Some narc calls Maci and reports that that sweetass babydaddy, Ryan, has been seen downtown on nights that he’s supposed to be hanging out with Bentley. He’s so cute that I don’t care that he’s the worst dad. And also that he mumbles and yawns so much. I DON’T EVEN CARE. 

I hate the scenes at Ryan’s parents house. I don’t watch this show to see his creepy mom. Some weirdo friend of Ryan’s comes to pick him up to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. Real fancy. For some reason everyone thinks it’s OK that Bentley is up at 10pm. 

Elsewhere, Farrah has returned from Florida. She is all set on moving there. She’s telling her mom this. Her mom’s not pleased. Per usual. Then she has a meltdown. Then she and Farrah speak back and forth in baby voices like they were both molested. (Medical Fact: if you speak in a baby voice it’s evidence of molestation.)

The next morning Farrah sits Sophia on a tall counter and has a one-sided adult conversation. 

ALSO, FARRAH HAS DECIDED TO GET BRACES. She’s like 1000. “I told Sophia I’m getting braces, so now I’m telling you guys,” she says to her parents. Uh, Sophia is 2. She doesn’t know what braces are. Or teeth. Her mom totally judges her with her eyes. 

Braces (the original, not Farrah) and Monty (that creepy one-named teacher) meet about the fact that she’s so excited to be graduating. We also learn that that crazy bitch April had Braces when she was 19, but that she also didn’t graduate high school after having her. Uh…she should have graduated before that. Guess what else happens? Braces announces that she wants to be a teacher. SO I AM SEARING MY BIRTHING ORGANS SO AS NEVER TO HAVE A CHILD THAT WILL LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE THAT IDIOT IS ALLOWED TO TEACH. Because we all know she will be a teacher in the next 5 years. America, you are terrible. 

Gary’s mom goes to Vaguely Asian’s in my dream outfit. (I [secretly] pray for a resurgence of overalls because they are comfortable like soft clothes but denim in fabric.). I don’t know if I would have worn the overalls with a blue shirt underneath, but other than that she looks (and probably feels) great. 

Vaguely Asian tells her about her jell time and stuff. She says she wants to change. It’s real sweet. But we know it’s not going to stick because she’s batshit crazy in the brains. 

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I hope Butch and April make an appearance on this episode. (I also hope that Butch accepts my Facebook friend request. My birthday is Sunday so if someone can make that happen it’d be the best gift.)

I really love this show so much I can hardly take it. 

I love when episodes start out with Vaguely Asian. This one does! She and Gary are sharing custody of Leah. They’re also getting along. Until the day Amber beats the hell out of him and gets arrested for domestic battery. Yeah! You tell that fat bastard what’s up, bitch! Tell him with your fists.

Fatty’s mom comes over the next day. She and Gary sit around, breathing heavily. (I think they both might want to go to the doctor to have things checked out.)

Gary is REAL upset that she’s in jail and probably scared. Bitch, please. You know she’s already the gang leader in jail. Do you even know how scary she is?

Ugh! Farrah. She has a new idea of something she wants to do. She wants to get her bachelor’s degree now. Next week she’s going to be looking at doctoral programs. She and her mom get in another fight. Sadly no knives are drawn. Knifey Magoo says she should go but leave Sophia with her and just fly back and forth. Farrah goes insane and refuses to leave Sophia behind. (The best thing that could happen to that child is if Farrah lost her somewhere and never found her again.)

You guys, MACI DECIDED TO ENROLL IN [COMMUNITY] COLLEGE THIS SEMESTER. Thank God! (I wonder when she’ll drop all of her classes.) Elsewhere in Maciland, the Slow Albino shattered his knee and has to have surgery. Maci is hoping he’ll go to Nashville and have his mother take care of him. Apparently he’s not going to. That’s cool, make the single mother/community college student take care of you. SHE HAS PLENTY OF TIME. 

Somewhere in the depths of hell Michigan, Braces is desperately trying to learn remedial math and spelling so she can graduate high school. Lanky is already off to college, looking like a real pimp in his 1984 Cutlass Supreme. (Is that a car? I made it up. If it’s not a car it should be.)

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Amber and her new boyfriend Clinton are preparing for Christmas and “trying not to focus on the domestic abuse charges.” They also watch videos of Leah learning to use a toilet. She also gets some roses from a secret admirer Gary. Then Gary calls her and she talks to him on speaker in front of Clinton and it’s super awkward. It’s weird when Gary makes someone look good. Clinton is so creepy. 

Elsewhere, Ryan texts Maci to tell her he has a job opportunity for the slow albino. I feel like the slow albino would be the kind of person who falls for the ol’ “job opportunity” line from a stranger in a Thai airport who wants someone to transport a bag for them. 

Farrah has decided she doesn’t want can’t afford to live in California so she’s now all gungho about moving in Arizona. Does she know what Arizona is? It’s hot. That’s what it is. And I bet Farrah doesn’t like sweating. 

Farrah’s parents have lived in Arizona so they plan a family trip (that is sure to involve anger and knives) so they can show Farrah some of the nicer parts. 

In Michigan Braces and Lanky are moving. Again. Braces could now be called Retainer, as she wears her retainer constantly. (Aren’t you just supposed to sleep in it?) But I’ll stick to Braces. They’ve found a place that is bigger and cheaper, which makes no sense because they’re old apartment cost $45 a month. During the move Catelynn’s dad calls to say he’s visiting. He’s coming up for a job interview. She’s excited that her stable parent might be around. Uh, stable? You haven’t been in his life in years and the last time you went to visit him it was awkward and his house had no doors. IT WAS JUST GAPING DOOR HOLES.

Maci is STILL trying to decide if she wants to register for classes this semester. SHE’S BEEN TRYING TO DECIDE THIS FOREVER. How has the deadline not passed? She really doesn’t want to go because she doesn’t want to miss anything in Bentley’s life. And also because she’s lazy.

Braces and Lanky bring their friends over to show off there 2nd new dwelling in over a month. They don’t seem to have anywhere to sit other than the built in bench in the kitchen. 

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Why do they always start with Maci? Bore me to tears, why don’t you? She and Slow Albino are taking bentley to daycare because he has no child friends. I hung out a lot with my mom when I was a kid and I turned out totally fine. DAYCARE IS FOR LOSERS.

Bentley is really upset when Maci tries to leave him at daycare. THAT IS WHY YOU NEVER DROP AN ONLY CHILD OFF SOMEWHERE. It is cruel to us. Slow Albino goes in there and rescues him. Maci decides he’d make a great dad. AMAZING NEWS FOR A NEW SEASON OF THIS SHOW.

Vaguely Asian is finally getting her house ready. It’s only been 16 months. Leah’s room even has sheets! The bed looks like something I made.

Cut to Fatty talking to his mother about Leah going to move in with Vaguely Asian. Leah is filthy. She’s covered in chocolate. I’m surprised Gary doesn’t eat her.

Lanky and Braces go to a wood-paneled restaurant to meet with the lady from their adoption agency so they can BE SO CREEPY AND UNHEALTHY and get their 6-months package from Carly’s family. Her family! Do you hear me, Lanky and Braces? SHE HAS A FAMILY.

Tyler is really gung ho about Carly attending their graduation in a few months. They’re going to write a letter asking if she can come when they send her Christmas gifts. AGAIN, I say, SHE. IS. NOT. YOUR. CHILD.

Farrah and her dad (who I always just assume is a molester in secret) go to lunch to discuss her future. She wants to move to California or Arizona for the culinary opportunities. But more for the climate. Does she know it’s 115 on a good day in Arizona?

Why is she so orange? And why is she so mean?

Maci asks Slow Albino when they’re going to have a baby. Last week she had to drop 3 of her 4 COMMUNITY COLLEGE classes because Bentley is too time consuming. AND Slow Albino doesn’t have a job. So they should definitely have a baby. Slow Albino looks petrified. Well, as petrified as someone can look while also looking dumber than anyone has ever looked in the history of people.

BUTCH! IT’S BUTCH! Butch and Tyler go shopping for Carly’s Christmas present. They get her some real garbage. (If you’re trying to win the heart of a child you should go somewhere nicer than Target. Like Barneys or something.)

Social-Worker-Karen goes to pick up Leah from Fatty’s house to bring her to Vaguely Asian’s. VA really dressed up for the occasion, in her least stained soft clothes. Per usual VA didn’t hug her, but for the first time ever she did pick her up. She drags her around the house, showing her all the princess themed crap she bought. THIS ISN’T GOING TO GO WELL. I am so nervous [for Leah]. When is Amber going to kill her? Is she going to do it on camera?

Farrah starts looking at apartments in Santa Monica. She finds a place on Westside Rentals for $1000. Um, good luck with that shithole, Farrah. It’ll be perfectly safe for a child. It’s like she’s never been to Santa Monica. You can’t find a livable dwelling for less than 2 grand a month. I HATE YOU FOR BEING SO STUPID, FARRAH. And she’s going to raise a baby on her own in Los Angeles? She can’t even do it with her knife-wielding mother across the street so how is she going to do it without Knifey McKnife 2000 miles away?

Slow Albino goes to lunch with one of his friends to freak out about the baby talk Maci had. Said friend said they just need to get married. Yeah, that’s definitely the best decision. THE BEST! I can’t really understand the rest of their conversation.

Maci tells her mom she wants another kid. Her mom thinks it’s crazy but she isn’t as mad as she should be. SHUT THIS DOWN, MOM.

Maci says she wants to have a baby because she’s bored. What a lucky child that will be.

APRIL! IT’S APRIL! She and Catelynn go to Target to shop for Carly, too. That’s because the idiot courts are still not allowing Butch and April to see each other. It’s just like Romeo and Juliet. If Romeo and Juliet both had a penchant for crack cocaine. These fools are consumed by Carly. I love Braces and Lanky’s classy white Christmas tree. They just sit in front of it, chattin’ about Carly. Apparently Tyler’s mom called Carly’s parents. First of all, why do any of these people have the adoptive family’s phone number? Second, WHY DO THEY THINK IT’S OK TO CALL?

Amber decides to go on a date. She’s also really orange. She asks Leah if it’s ok if she goes on a date. Does she know how old Leah is? I can’t wait to see her date.

Farrah decides to fly to Los Angeles for two days to check things out. That’s definitely enough time. She goes to see some apartments and they’re terrible. It’s like she thinks everything costs what it does in Omaha. She is sure she’s going to get a culinary job the second she moves there. IS SHE DELUSIONAL?

Maci meets with some friends to tell them she wants another baby and to get their opinion. I hope they tell her it’s a great idea. BECAUSE IT IS A GREAT IDEA. Sadly they kind of talk her out of it.

Vaguely Asian goes on a date with Clinton, an obvious fagatron. I bet she bangs him tonight. They talk about olives. It’s riveting. I hope he knocks her up tonight. He also has a daughter. So he’s obviously awesome. They do some kissing at the dinner table. That’s my favorite thing people do.

Maci finally agrees that having another baby is a bad idea. :(

Why is Dawn, the adoption counselor so cool about this creepy relationship between Braces and Lanky and the adoptive family. I wish she’d shut this noise down. She’s a really great adoption counselor.

Farrah goes to meet with an admissions counselor at West Los Angeles College. The USC of West LA, really. (She’s really going to move to LA to go to a glorified community college? God, do I hate this orange slut.) Luckily she decides California is not for her. It’s like she’s only seen Los Angeles in brochures. (Trust me it’s not the same as the brochures make it seem.)

Next week on TEEN MOM: Farrah decides Arizona is her new mecca, Farrah’s mom’s eyes sink into her face a little more, and Carly changes her phone number.

I would just like to preface this with an apology for taking so long to get this recap up. You can blame Allied Van Lines for not delivering anything I own, including televisions. (PS it’s been 15 days and the stuff still isn’t here.) So I bought a new [giant] television to bring this recap to the world. 

The show starts with Maci’s forehead. It should get it’s own show. (It’s certainly big enough to warrant it’s own room in her house.) She and her slow-albino mumble some stuff to each other. I have no idea what they say. Something about Bentley’s poop and Maci’s school. Shouldn’t he be pooping in a toilet now? He’s like 7. 

Catelynn and Tyler play some pool with their friends. All their friends look 35. They’re telling their friends that they’re graduating and they want Carly there. That makes sense and is healthy. No it doesn’t and no it’s not. YOU GAVE HER UP FOR ADOPTION. 

Farrah makes me so nervous. I don’t know why. She’s like a loose cannon. She’s scheduling a time to take Sophia to Derek’s grave. She and her puppy both use the human toilet and call it a day. 

Farrah walks across the street to her creepy mom’s house to ask her if she’ll go to the grave, too. Knifey McKnife is excited to go. If excited is the right word to use when talking about a grave visit. 

Leah is still living with Fatty because Vaguely Asian still doesn’t have anything other than a mattress. I moved across the country last week and the mover’s decided not to bring 85% of my stuff (IT’S STILL NOT HERE IF YOU’RE READING THIS, ALLIED VAN LINES!) and I went to the store to purchase new bedding. Vaguely Asian hasn’t had sheets since I’ve known her. DOES SHE KNOW HOW EASY IT IS TO BUY THEM AND PUT THEM ON? (I do hate putting on the duvet cover but that’s another issue entirely.)

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I don’t think the lady who owns the jewelry store needs an employee so I’m not sure why Catelynn is there. The store is a 10x10 hole. They’re both constantly having to slide by one another to help the one customer in the store. 

Once again, Braces and Lanky are maintaining a creepy relationship with Carly. The adoption counselor calls to talk about this year’s BIRTH MOM RETREAT. That sounds like a fun place to go. It’s Braces’ second year and she’s so excited. Probably because she’s too poor for real vacations. 

Braces and Lanky both feel guilty for not calling Carly’s adoptive parents as much as they used to. Uh, that’s normal. What was creepy was when you were nearly co-parenting with them. 

Farrah is finally finding out if she passed culinary school. She did! Congratulations, you graduated from something from which my cat, DeLuca, could have gotten her diploma. 

Farrah wants a dog because she has no friends. And she goes to a puppy mill because she’s an asshole without a brain who needs to be taken out back like Old Yeller. First of all, someone this stupid and brainless shouldn’t be allowed to own a dog. She’s allowed Sophia to get burned at least 14 times so what’s going to happen to this puppy? And second, it’s the year 2011…WE’VE BEEN TO THE MOON…how are people still going to puppy mills? 

Maci is sitting around, blowing in the wind, complaining about Ryan. Stop pretending like you hate him. You know you want him back. Even I want him back. 

Vaguely Asian is moving into her new house. She’s waiting a while to turn the heat on. Because that makes sense in the Indiana winter. Leah can’t move in with her until she gets heat. So she’s laying on Gary’s floor with him. God forbid anyone purchase furniture, what with all the Aeropostale shirts they have to buy. 

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The episode kicks off with Braces (Catelynn) and Lanky (Tyler) roaming through a haunted house. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I hate when a television show (be it reality or scripted) takes place in a different season than the one I’m in. It’s summer. Cool it with the Halloween. 

Also, I’m scared. I hate haunted houses. 

They get home from the haunted house and decide they need to get jobs because Catelynn doesn’t have the money to pay a $64.00 bill. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? YOU ARE ON THE TELEVISION. And it’s not just a one episode arc on some cable show. YOU ARE THE STAR OF A TELEVISION SHOW. 

Farrah is in her kitchen having an adult conversation with 2-year-old Sophia. Her mom comes over and they have a fight about gluten. Ashley, Farrah’s sister who we’ve never ever heard of in the last 3 years, calls and wants to go to the pumpkin patch with Farrah and Sophia. Farrah is happy that Ashley wants to be part of Sophia’s life. Let’s see how long that lasts. Farrah ruins everything. 

Fatty (Gary) has been keeping Leah because Vaguely Asian (Amber) is a fuck up and has been living in a slum. Vaguely Asian is looking for a new house but it has to be nice (I don’t know why all of a sudden she needs to live in a place that’s livable) and secluded because the local townies have been harassing her for being a terrible mother. 

Vaguely Asian decides to go out with EIGHT gentleman friends who all have that look in their eye that says someone (Vaguely Asian) is going to get Jodie Foster’d on a pinball machine by night’s end. 

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